I'm Still Laughing...

This is a picture of my desk. You'll notice it has typical items that one might need during a busy work day. Phone, Aquafina, lotion, Dallas Cowboys foam finger, Captain America pez dispenser, I heart Jim sticky notes...the usual.

Cut to earlier this week. A fellow co-worker visited my office and made a joke about croutons. Being the nice person I am, I offered a fake courtesy laugh (even though I didn't get it) and went about my day. Until he came in that afternoon and started talking about croutons again. What the crap? He'd talk about how they smelled and asked if they exfoliated. I finally had to call him out on it.

"Dave...what in the world are you talking about croutons for?"

"I figured you liked them."

"Sure, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Your lotion."

Home boy thought my "Warm Vanilla Sugar" hand cream from Bath & Body Works was croutons! Take a closer look at the label! You can't blame him!

I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time. Thanks Dave. Thanks for being a silly, silly boy.

Perryton, Texas

I've just returned from a rig trip in Perryton, Texas. What? You've never been there before? Well...it's a quaint little town that technology forgot about two hours northeast of Amarillo. It's one of my new favorite places in the Lone Star State.

So there I am driving my tiny rent car from the Amarillo airport. Just when I'm convinced the thing runs on batteries (due to the fact that it can barely go 60 miles per hour) I pass my first 18-wheeler hauling a rather large load. My little blue Chevy Alero, I'm not exaggerating, SKIDS SIDEWAYS from the combination of wind and 18-wheeler force. Scared me to DEATH. This happened several times on my journey.

Note to self: rent sturdier vehicle when working in or near Amarillo.

Anyway, I'm driving/skidding along FM-687 when Garth Brooks belts "Shameless" from my Alero speakers.

Seriously? I haven't heard this song since my freshman year of high school when Chance Sampson convinced me in Ms. Penney's biology class that Garth Brooks was actually singing the word shavin'. (Before you judge or laugh hysterically, I challenge you to dig out your old cassette tape of "Ropin The Wind" and take a listen for yourself.)

I'm singing to the top of my lungs and remembering how cool we thought Garth Brooks was back in the day. He could do no wrong.

Cut to thirty minutes later, still in the car, and I'm graced with Garth's vocal styling again. This time, "The Dance." My memory is thrust back to high school. Picture it: my senior year. It was the Bobcat Belle Spring Show and we were performing our last time as seniors to this song. I was so sad...but excited that I would one day be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Another 15 minutes goes by and they play him AGAIN! Does Garth Brooks own this station? I mean really...since the Chris Gains debacle, I'm quite sure that program managers probably allow Mr. Brooks no more than two or three rotations. And that's once in a blue moon.

And that's why we love Perryton.

I finally make it to my "hotel" and check-in (old school with a swipe credit card machine) and ask the lady at the front desk where she suggests I eat dinner.

Sadly, the owners of the Dixie Dog were out of town due to a funeral and the Pizza Hut was being renovated. I would have to settle for McDonald's. And was it a fancy McDonald's! This town doesn't have red lights or a grocery store, but they have a Mickey D's with THREE WINDOWS! One to order, one to pay and one to pick up. Talk about ME feeling like a hick from Hallsville, Texas. I didn't know what to do with all those windows.

I grab my Big Mac, dodge a couple of tumbleweeds with the Alero and head back to my "hotel." It is then that I pass the Perryton Theater. Not one but TWO SCREENS! Showing none other than National Treasure 2.

You know I had to experience THAT!

A few hours later, I'm parking in front of the coolest theater ever. I go inside and wait at the ticket counter. High school part-time worker Judy was popping (and burning) popcorn in the concession area. She noticed me and hurried over to her other post at the ticket booth.

Lincee: "One for National Treasure please."
Judy: "That's seven dollars."

Lincee hands Judy seven dollars cash.
Judy puts a tiny check mark in her spiral bound notebook beside the letters NT.

Judy makes awkward eye contact with Lincee.

Lincee: "Do I get a ticket?"
Judy: "Oh no. We don't do that here."

Another awkward pause.

Lincee: "Which theater is the show playing?"
Judy: (Laughing) "The one that says TREASURE above the door!"

Silly me. I look to see ALVIN scratched on a piece of construction paper above double doors on my left and make a quick right. There are about 50 chairs...the bouncy kind I love. And get this...they were nice enough to screw in cup holders on each of the chairs.

The Perryton Theater is so now. I think I might build a summer home there one day.

Thursday Thirteen

2007 was a big movie year for me. I saw a ton of films and have ranked my top 13 in the list below. Enjoy!

13. Knocked Up
I can't help but laugh whenever Seth Rogen is on the screen. Lots of potty humor and very crude. My Mother would be so proud...

12. Fantastic Four
The show wasn't that great. I was forced to watch it on a plane to Colombia. But Johnny Storm made it bearable.


11. Spider-Man 3
Call me crazy, but I don't think Tobey Maguire can pull off "scary Spidey" very well. It was a fun action flick though. Minus that awful dance sequence in the restaurant.

10. Shrek the Third
How cute were the little Shrek babies? And I loved when Snow White called the birds to attack the trees. And the frogs singing, "Live and Let Die" was absolutely classic.

9. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
I find it crazy that we had to watch about 30 minutes of the show before we saw Johnny Depp. But then it was worth it.

8. Superbad
Again with the horrendous potty humor and language, but I am McLovin Michael Cera. He will always be George Michael to me.


7. Music & Lyrics
There will be no judging. See video below.


6. Ocean's 13
I heart Matt Damon.

5. Transformers
Shia LaBeouf...not quite sure how to pronounce his name, but he's a cutie!

4. Enchanted
Fun family fun for the holidays. Take the kids and enjoy!

3. Bourne Ultimatum
Did I mention that I heart Matt Damon?


2. Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix
Harry's growing up ladies and gentleman. Only two more movies and the series is over. I wonder what he's going to do with all that money?!?


1. HAIRSPRAY!
If you do not own this movie yet, you must go out today and purchase it!

My Christmas Vacation

My parents are adding a room on to their house. My Mom calls it the great room. My Dad calls it his room. I call it a ball room. Seriously…they could film a period drama with Keira Knightley in this space. It’s HUGE!

Basically, the back end of the house has been cut off. The kitchen is gone and only one bathroom is working. Everything that was in the kitchen, dining room, the laundry room, the pantry, the master bathroom and my parents’ closets is now scattered around the rest of the house collecting dust from the renovation.

And when I say everything…I mean everything. Stuff is literally everywhere.

So you can imagine my surprise when Mom announces that my Dad will be catering Christmas for the family at our house. Huh. Really?

Really.

The Saturday before Christmas turns into a Ray family work day. The goal? Clean out my “Mom’s den” so that people can actually walk and have a place to sit and eat by the fire. Also, create a somewhat cozy atmosphere in the rather large dining hall (because it is that big) in my “Dad’s room.” Secret goal? To encourage my Mom that it’s okay to donate the dish towels she received at her wedding shower and that Jamie and I are no longer sentimentally attached to the Muppets and Holly Hobby lunch boxes from first grade. (Do we dare look inside?)

The whole day was a bit of a blur. Lots of picking up and moving. Casually throwing away old broken candles that Mom is convinced she can melt into something spectacular. Once it was all said and done, we carved out a nice place for the family to enjoy themselves on Christmas Eve.

The next morning, I head downstairs to put some gifts under the tree and hear a strange noise. Sounds like a beep. I look up to the smoke detector to see if the battery is running low. Nope. And then I hear the beep again. I follow the noise and listen hard. Ironically, the beep is now coming from a different direction…behind me way up high.

I look to see the most beautiful red bird…chirping at me.

I’m calm. Why am I calm? Because this is not the first time, or second, or even third that the Ray house has been invaded by a bird. They quite like it in our house. Don’t get me started on the woodpecker “situation” of 2005. I’m still angry.

Anyway…

I walk outside to where my Dad is lighting a long string of leaves (remember how he likes to burn things?) and ask for his help to rescue the bird. Again, this ain’t our first rodeo. He looks at me and says, “I’ve already shoo’d four out this morning. I guess I missed one.”

He walks into “his room” and searches the ceiling. I approach him and say, “It’s in Mom’s room.”

This is a different story people. Mom’s den is the height of our house. It does not have a second floor above it. There is a balcony that overlooks her den. Typically, our bird friends like to hang out up there because of the windows.

Again, Daddy and I are calm. He has his rake in hand and heads up the stairs. It is at this point where the mumbling begins. I heard something about “where crap goes to die” and I couldn’t make out the rest. We literally have to pick our way through the Occupied Japan statues, precious antiques and mounds and mounds of random china plates and cups. The bird is not happy.

The trick is to get the bird in my sister’s room. Smaller space equals easier catch. Daddy is swaying the rake while I man her door…ready to shut at a moment’s notice. Here it comes! And SLAM!

Five seconds later that bird is out again. It made the complete circle through Jamie’s room, into our bathroom and around to my room and back out again. The mumbling of profanity has turned into screaming obscenities. Think Ralph’s father in A Christmas Story. My Dad makes a swipe at the bird, it flies to me again and I shut Jamie’s door again. My Dad yells, “GO SHUT THE DOOR!”

It is at this point that the communication breaks down. For some reason, I think that my Dad wants me to shut the door to the house. I remember thinking as I’m racing down the stairs…the same stairs I’ve raced down for 25 years…”This is so dumb. Like there are really birds just out there waiting to fly inside our house?”

In my haste to shut the door as fast as I could, I slipped on a Wal-Mart sack that lined the staircase. And proceeded to tumble head-first down the last four stairs. I remember landing…hard…on the bottom wooden step. I also remember…why I don’t know…to hurry up and go shut the door. As I’m limping across the den, I think to myself, “You can’t cry. Don’t cry. There’s no crying in baseball and surely no crying when rescuing pretty red birds.” But then the shooting pain deepened and I thought…to hell with that. And I cried like a little girl.

It was only when I heard crashes and rumbling upstairs that I snapped out of my pity party to see my Dad descending the steps with the bird in his hand. He caresses the bird and softly assures that it is fine and nothing is going to happen. I’m sure he had to notice that I was clearly in significant pain as I rocked back and forth clutching my shin, tears streaming down my face.

He told me to shake it off and rub some dirt in it as he pats me on my head to go outside…eager to release his new pet and get back to his leaves

Flashback to sixth grade. I’m running to meet up my friend in front of school and accidentally shut my thumb in the truck door as Daddy starts to drive off. I have to beat on the window for him to stop. He opens the door, looks at my throbbing thumb, looks at my white face and tells me to go see the school nurse.

This is a man who fought in Viet Nam. He’s just sensitive when it comes to his own family. And birds.

Thirteen Thursday

Everyone who knows me, knows that I love Christmas! And one thing I love about Christmas is the music! So here's a list of the 13 most played songs in my Holiday folder from my I-Tunes.

1. Joy to the World - Aretha Franklin - Miracle on 34th Street

2. Good News - Avalon - Joy

3. Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker

4. Christmas Without You - Kenny and Dolly - Once Upon a Christmas

5. Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley - A Christmas Album

6. Harry Connick, Jr. - Both of his albums and the duet with Lee Ann Womack

7. Little Drummer Boy - Jars of Clay

8. Jim Brickman's Peace album

9. All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey - Merry Christmas

10. Point of Grace - A Christmas Story Album

11. Charlie Brown Christmas Album

12. Ave Maria - 98 Degrees - Do not judge me...tis the season people

13. Anything and everything classic! (Burl Ives, Bing, Johnny Mathis and Perry)

And if these guys had an album...I'd buy it!

Can. Not. Wait!

I Heart New York City

Sorry I've been lazy on the posts lately. I have a good reason. I was in a Christmas performance. More about that in my next post. Until then, enjoy these NYC photos!

I've always wanted to take a picture with this bull. Me and the other junior high boys chose to pose at this end of the statue. Nice.

Central Park. I fell in love! How can you not?

I was just about to execute my triple toe loop...

Katie and I at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. We had a cop take the picture from the street and obnoxiously yelled for everyone around to SMILE for the camera. Notice the one dude in the back who took us seriously. A true southern gentleman.

Bad JoJo. Must you flip off the parade watchers?

I took this illegally from Radio City Music Hall. It's my all-time favorite Rockette number from their Christmas show. FABULOUS!

Thanksgiving dinner at Tavern on the Green.

We were seated by this beautiful tree!

Oh Macy...why are you so good to me?